Today is the death anniversary of my dearest friend Nicki. November 17, 2004.I don’t consciously mark the date of end of her life, or the manner of her death through suicide. But my body always remembers.
There is no note on the calendar or in my daytimer.But yesterday I began to feel like I was spinning. Had the distinct sense that I was riding a train that just got switched to an entirely new track, going to a new place without my permission. I felt anxious, fluttery, worried, and sad. This morning in my meditation practice, my mind connected with what was going on in my body. My body reminded me of the single most painful moment of my life, seven years ago. As flashbacks of the moment I was told of her death hit me, I rocked back and forth on my cushion remembering the sound that came from my mouth at that time. A keening. A howling. Terrible.
In the safety and sanctity of my meditation room, tears wet my face. I literally was trembling. And then there came a gentling. I felt awash with a powerful feeling that took over from the painful memories. I believe it was love in its purest form. Love for my dear friend’s sorrow…love for the amazing person she was and the extraordinary experiences she awakened me to in life, and in her death… love for my still wounded self.
It was Nicki’s death that led me to the practice of Celebrancy. Her death changed my life. Her memory guides me today in many aspects of my life including my ceremonial practice. Today I honour the Sister of my Heart. Thank you Nickster for helping me to sing my song. Bless you.