Soon I will mark the anniversary of the most difficult death I have ever experienced. November will forever be the month my beloved best friend committed suicide. After 11 years I no longer dwell on the manner of her death for it was the very least of ALL that defined her. But I still miss her. Tears squeeze out as I write that. I really miss her.
We are/were both practicing Buddhists. Suicide, as in many faiths, is not seen as a positive act. Primarily because of the sorrow and pain suicide causes loved ones. But there is an understanding that sometimes a person’s suffering is too great for them to bear. Our hearts should expand with love and compassion for this person. This was the case for us.
This November, the month of her death, I will be in Japan. On the actual date, I will be in a temple praying. Praying for her, for all who still feel pain at the lack of her presence in our lives, and for all my clients who are the survivors of a loved one’s suicide. Indeed, praying for all who are connected to suicide.
With a Japanese friend, I will be walking through the old forests of coastal Japan along an ancient pilgrimage route. We will sleep sometimes in monasteries. It will be a time of peace and stillness. Love. Remembering. Joy. Yes, I feel so much joy to have had good friend like this. To miss someone in this way the rest of my life means the connection is a strong one. Perhaps one day I will experience her again, in some mysterious way.
Death by suicide is a ripping, a separation. It is sorrow. For loved ones, it is a breaking of the heart in way that there really are no words to describe. It is a time of great confusion and sadness. But here is what it is not:
It is not an end to joy. It is not an end to laughter. It is not an end to Love.
It is not an end to Love.
Funeral Celebrant Michele Davidson